pretty pretty worry hearts

2009-04-02T15:45:00.000-04:00

Some emergent types want to recast as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes. In Revelation , Jesus is a prize fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and the commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up.
- Mark Driscoll

2009-03-30T20:52:00.002-04:00

How much of the inter-web based information do you truly believe? How do you know if the source is credible? Actually, for that matter how do you know if anything you've ever heard, read, or even seen before is real? The point is, question everything, you never know when you'll find out that everything you know is nothing at all; leaving you knowing absolutely nothing.

2008-08-12T00:35:00.002-04:00

And then there's these, the torrid after waves,
Languid flourishings of frolicking affections,
and hopeful benedictions.

And then there's these , those bitter after tastes,
lingering like silence in the stringless keys.
Fluttering in stairwells and over the corner posts,
light time fading fast.

But, I'm young yet, say again and again and again,
until you're too old.
You're blood's ran thin, and the once ravishing rants are leaving
without word or wound to sorrowful soul.

2008-08-09T03:50:00.002-04:00

There is no reason for speech, the subjective vomiting of nouns and verbs, colored with the adjectives and adverbs. Ther is no reason for words , stabbing deep in deeping wounds, scabbing over and peeling to scars. There is no reason for soothing speech, soft and buttered murmurings, sickly sweet and choking; stealing air and polluting the atmosphere of sound. The microphone is murdering silence and creating the next endangered species.

2008-07-07T23:57:00.002-04:00

It is so easy to talk and to write about the idea of obedience, but it is a completely different matter to take those spoken words from the air, and written words from the page and turn them into real life application; to turn concept and into a life style, a life choice, a devoted life of servitude. ( that was a run-on yeeha) Pious men speak of obedience and devotion, but holy men barely utter these words. Holy men need not speak of such things because their lives and very existence display more volumes on the subject than words on a page could ever justify.

2008-06-29T01:04:00.002-04:00

Do we really need this medication to tell us we're all right?
It's like fornication only without the fun that's found in the beginning phases,
only that which you hate, you, you , you

2008-06-26T18:17:00.001-04:00

Be warned, I very well could be losing my mind...

2008-06-26T18:10:00.002-04:00

Let's be trees

2008-06-18T01:17:00.002-04:00

What They Really Mean

Politically calculated Centrism
how liberals screw the poor

Social welfare policy reform
ugh -what are we going to do with these poor people

Census Data
useless detritus compiled to successfully, or unsuccessfully prove a point

Ducking sniper fire in Bosnia
Traveling around in a first-class jet with Sinbad

2008-06-16T22:27:00.002-04:00

I Just cannot seem to unfurrow my brow no matter how hard I try.

2008-06-16T00:44:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I make mistakes
In an ideal world I would learn from those mistakes
But in the real world, they come back to haunt me
When I say sometimes, I mean most times

2008-06-15T01:04:00.002-04:00

Thunder rolled in with a mighty shout, and there was the lighting to illuminate the pathway of thunders clap. The thunder made us jump, and the lightning made us blind for lack of electric power, and the light bulbs which need said power. Eight hours, and these eight hours were spent in the dark, but not because it was a difficult problem to fix, we were just unlucky to living in a town populated by minorities and blue collar labor workers.
" Your geographic location is not a priority."
I asked what that meant but no satisfactory response could be produced.
" Is it because it's not an affluent town? Is it because my neighborhood is primarily minority and blue collar?" I asked that question with the sincerest of tone.
" Sir are you trying to make a joke? "
" No I'm not trying to make a joke, I'm asking an honest question."
" Sir your area is just not a priority."
" click"
I hung up on the Connecticut light and power man. This night has been still yet another evidence to the social inequality in this great nation of ours. Hooray!!!

2008-05-27T23:46:00.002-04:00

Narcissistic

2008-05-25T03:38:00.002-04:00

In the silence of this room,
All hopes go unspoken in silent agreement.
This is the beginning of the unknown phases.
In the silence of this room
All words are spoken with nary a sound.
Ideas are eyes searching for contact.
In the silence of this room,
Sound floats like a ghost.
An echo then repeat.
In the silence of this room,
It's louder than ever before, than anywhere else.

2008-05-12T11:00:00.003-04:00

So you pull your flesh over your blood shot eyes and try to sleep awhile. And all so you can keep a smile for an hour after waking.

Sorry to disappoint, sorry I didn't point the path your disfigured feet ought to romp.

Can we still shake hands and say we're friends?
Probably no, definitely no.

We annoy each other like those well dressed, two by two cyclists in every American neighborhood.

Pedal pedal, stop, then knock.
Doors never open, but they never stop.

2008-05-07T21:56:00.002-04:00

When the world's over
where will you be?
Drinking drunk
a lover between your knees?

When the world's over
where will you go?
Wandering wilderness
a broken compass to tell the way?

When the world's over
what will you do?
quiting quietly
a gun between your teeth?

When the world's over
how will it end?
Furious and firey
or quietly quietly?

2008-05-07T21:53:00.003-04:00

You sparked she said
You sparkled said I
You ran she said
You run said I
You were she said
You are said I
You go she said
You're gone said I

2008-04-06T22:53:00.002-04:00

For three days now, three twenty-four hours periods, I have been laying about with a sickness in my body. When I say Laying about I don't really mean that cause I've been working too, never a day of rest for the ill. But, there is Zicam, and Robitussin, which when you remove the "ussin," leaves you with "Robit" which after taking enough of the medicine leaves one feeling pretty much like a "Robit!!" Ach! The aches, the sore throat, the runny nose, is this all human things? I thought I was becoming a Robit, Malfunction!!! Must evacuate!! Biohazard contagious.

2008-03-30T01:11:00.002-04:00

I've sat where you sit, berating the house guests in empty apartments, all alone.
I've been where you are, living life with a glass in hand, half emptied.
In and then out again.
I've waited for moments to realize themselves for what there are,
But before this could happen they died, and gave birth to a new.
I've rambled words that made no sense, and maybe a few that did.
But all in all to say that I know where you stand, and I've stood there too,
Sometimes I stand there still.
You and me we are
Friendly alcohol abuse
Missing teeth
Empty cigarette packs
Flat tires
The last drop
Lazy bad habits
Lonely old folk.
True to say we're two the same, and the sun will show you soon.

2008-03-20T21:31:00.003-04:00

Thursday.
Here's what I did today.
Evacuate the bladder.
Brush the teeth.
Pull on the levis.
Lace up the boots.
Place glasses on face.
Ink on the arm, Tyler was there, he got ink too.
Thoughts and questions.
No real concrete answers.
No heavy boots today ( cara thats a reference for you).
Dan was sick. Bad wings for the boy.
Junk shop browsing.
Lots and lots of photos.
Film developed, I liked a few.
Celebrate today.

2008-03-17T23:14:00.003-04:00

You've got the show of hands, a cigarette placed between clever lips. I've got pretense, a loaded gun in hand. Together we're sly, and not just a little too terrible. Angels fear to dare us to combat. Shoe laces and levis, love and tears. Follow these where they might wander, we'll find a better bed of wonder. No show of hands, no cigarette placed between clever lips. No pretense, no loaded gun in hand. Naked

2008-03-14T23:25:00.002-04:00

These the thoughts that ramble through this head of mine, they are of the haunting variety, or the terrifyingly familiar, comfortable confusion. Move or just move on, which is the better? Could there be both?

I've got an answer for you dear, and it sounds like this: " I don't know."

The pencil scratches possible words to form possible letters, which are mailed to the garbage pile instantly. Postage paid, return to sender, So goes the story of the last three. The pile of legal pad yellow is growing at my feet, So too are the questions of future considerations, and past obligations. Am I obligated anymore? Is that even worth contemplating? You tell me.

Put on my pants, lace up my boots, and grab a coat, it's time for a midnight stroll and the silence that this suburban waste land affords when the neighbors have laid to rest their eyes and mouths. Here I go...

tr040607

2008-03-09T22:54:00.001-04:00

tr040607
Originally uploaded by courtneycanfijn

2008-03-09T19:58:00.002-04:00

What we want is a chocolate covered sweet, jelly center Jesus.
Nothing to suffer or work for.
sweet from the first bite to the last.
But the mold won't take the shape that we want,
and if we dare to try we find the shape is our own.

2008-02-25T00:30:00.002-05:00

Beautiful clarification, but of the difficult sort. It's like trying to bring resolve to the debate over the attractive or unattractive merits of Mary-Louise Parker. Beautiful clarification comes at the cost of my pride, comes coupled with non ecstatic suffering. Does the cost over weigh the benefits? Probably not, but I'm a human after all, and I can't seem to put on the goggles of reason, and see through the fog of suffering to the sunlit meadow of beautiful clarification, peace of mind. Never the less, I stare this beautiful clarification straight in the eyes, and I ask, "What do you want of me?" Knowing full well what is required. It seems that inane questions are how humans cope with knowing that the truth is really the last thing they really ever wanted.
Beautiful clarification, are you to be mine or shall I love you with my lips but never with my hands? The irony is that if I had beautiful clarification as mine, then I wouldn't have to wonder wonder wonder over what to do with beautiful clarification.
At least I'm not jaundice.

polaroid

st pauls was good

Zooey Deschanel has a lovely voice ( she&him(zooey+mward))

vacuums pick up a multitude of dirts, too bad they couldn't do the same for sin.

2008-02-22T15:46:00.002-05:00

It snowed today, it's white, clean.
Everything looks almost right for just this moment.
I tried to capture this moment with photographs in black and white.
The cold seeped through rubber boots and my feet grew cold.
My hands were numb despite the gloves, the cold was sharp.
But it didn't matter, all was quiet and in this moment everything was perfect.
Hey fag! Why don't you come take a picture of us? Come on gay boy.
I'm not gay and those were my unruly neighbors.
The moment was lost, but it didn't matter.
I had captured it in snaps and on film.

2008-02-12T22:50:00.002-05:00

Do you believe in Democracy? A government by the people for the people?
I dream of such a thing.
There is no such thing
What with electoral colleges and superdelegates
We've lost our right to choice...

... Well ok, maybe not yet, but soon we will and these superdelegates are the gateway

please Anyone who reads this please click on the superdelegates link. We need to stay informed!! much love

2008-02-07T07:44:00.000-05:00

I've no song inside my head. Somebody give me a melody...
...please.

restless night, barely sleeping,
unshaven, dirty hair, barely awake now.
Hastily shower, did I wash my 2000 parts?
Where are my keys? Where are my socks?
Has anyone seen my soul?
nine hours of work
nine hours of servitude
nine hours that could be spent better...

2008-02-06T22:42:00.000-05:00

The day at a glimpse

The bodies were seen, some with skin some with none, some with muscles some with none, all were dead. In the exhibit, I was hungry, I thought of chicken, and then I wanted to eat chicken. I was told there must be something wrong with me when the sight of a cross sectioned real human body ( dead of course) makes me think of eating.

Ten minutes time turned the bedroom from a pigstye to a cozy den. It's the den of a cowardly lion, lurking and waiting for courage to come walking through the door and offer itself.

Lack of hearing lead to hurting of feelings. It's a talent of mine, do you have any such regrettable talents? I have many, I think that I am stronger than some, but weaker than most.

The nature of my increasingly hectic life, leaves me wishing to live in a cabin surrounded by woods. Silence, the music of rain and wind. I could scream if I wanted to. I could whisper too.

Cloverfield was a waste of 1hr and 20 min.

Eagle vs. Shark was silly

Renaissance was a rather great film, sorta like the church....

I set my alarm for 6am

2008-02-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

Do justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God

2008-02-03T02:02:00.001-05:00

And then a liar came
with sincere eyes
steady hands
and wagging tongue.
Truth to say
any whichever way
that which are those things
you'd like most to hear

paint your face white

drink some wine

pour some coffee past the cup and onto the floor

eat some seeds

enjoy water and air

2008-02-02T12:48:00.000-05:00

I killed you last night,
dream state
wishing reality
your life unfurled on the floor
and I smiled
scarlet pens etching blood lines
and I watched
and I twirled
and I woke up

2008-01-29T23:36:00.000-05:00

Yay! This carbon pile has been a living carbon pile for 15 years as of today! I was born and now I walk around and sometimes say words to other carbon piles. As far as welcome to the world celebration days go, this was one of my better ones. Low key, there were no parties or cakes and candles, no oodles of living carbon piles wishing me a "happy birthday" ( why don't we wish folk happy days every day?), no hoopla or hulla baloo, just me and my key board, a guitar and a friend too.

Give flowers to your mom on your birthday, she did all the work

watch crime wave ( Canadian movie from 1985) at least once in your life cycle

Listen to Boards of Canada at least once a day

drink tea whenever possible

hang your sunglasses on your wall

take showers

2008-01-27T20:32:00.000-05:00

One night voyages over land, Glastonbury CT- Providence RI- Manchester NH! Manchester NH held Hardcore shows with Life in Your Way and todd mackey. Providence held Ren Church, Pscott and the family that I miss more than most things that I've ever left in life. Gut wrenchingly convicting sermons, face to face with scott, face to face with the Almighty. Brunch at Julians with Tyler, Dan and crew. Now for the rest of a few days...

2008-01-23T00:51:00.000-05:00

I love stories, I'd like to think that everyone and everything has a story lying right below the e of the skin. Something that lets you know, who he, she, or it is, some thing that gives meaning to existence .I think what gets me down is that I'm going to be 25 in about one week, and yet I don't feel as though I have a story, I feel as though there is not story behind me. I'm told that I'm young and have alot of life yet to live, but still I feel as though I should have something more to me than what is there. I think what I mean to say is that I know there is something under the surface of my skin, but I'm not sure what that is exactly.

2008-01-19T00:10:00.000-05:00

Day three and the fevers still goes. I do not, will not go to the doctor, this will pass in time, all things do. Smoking has passed from me, so this will pass from me in due time as well. Netflix is a gem, guitars, effects pedals and amps are as well. Will I get my tattoo? I'm not sure, but I'd sure like to. Video journals were recorded, cameras we browsed on internet shopping sites. Work end early and I came home to rest, to write, and to draw. I'm wearing hats and lifting weights again. Surrender is the only choice on the menu, and yet I'm having trouble choosing, but I think its starting to look like a good option. He is love!

2008-01-17T18:16:00.000-05:00

My dreams have been very specific. Pastors with crab legs instead of human ones, freaking out when babies cry, and trying to eat the squealing little ones. Girls in love with boys who have mooseheads, but only cause they feel they must me. Hiding in back rooms from the demonic baseball bat eating ushers. Finding safety with Folk I barely know in the waking life, but seem to know very well in the dream life. I just woke up from that. It could be the fact that my estranged imagination is venturing back into my skull, or it could be the fever that is still coursing through my tissues.

Listen to the National!!!

Take mucinex!!

Love Advil!!

Read a Book!!!

Say wizard at least three times aday !!!

2008-01-16T20:49:00.000-05:00

My day in a nutshell

Cleaning rooms,
sleeping during days
Catching fevers
texting plans
breaking down in the nervous way
Telling painful brutal truths
Crying with no tears
swimming in confusion
bashing heads on pillows
flipping through the calendars
Canceling plans
hanging hats and glasses
wishing for a brighter day
Calling out to the FATHER
Eating rice
Watching Juno
Reading Iraq Journals 2003
Screaming out to the FATHER

2008-01-14T16:54:00.000-05:00

I realize that I might have spoken out of pure frustration when last we spoke, the frustration made my words unclear, and for that I apologize.
When I say stop protesting, I don't mean stop caring, I mean stop carrying around posters and marching and going to rallies, Approx seven years of protesting and the war ain't over kids! The politicians in office aren't listening, and the ones on the campaign trail are only telling you what you want to hear. (Santa's real, right Mr. Obama? )
Don't stop caring! If anything I would encourage you to spread the peace and hope of our Father with everyone. Write a letter to a soldier over seas, we all know at least one, let him or her know that you are praying for his or her safety, let that fellow human being know that you care. Take a trip, go over seas yourself, spend some time simply loving the victims of this terrible event in history, or help fund some one else on a similar form of trip. Find a way to personally support and help the victims of this terrible event in history and them encourage those that you know to do the same thing. Most importantly, Pray! Pray!Pray! After all He is the Prince of Peace.

I do apologize for alienating more than one of you with the last bit of thought vomit that I left on this blog, but please kids, lets not waste our time with t-shirts and rallies, but let's look for real and tangible ways to make a difference, to bring peace and hope to this ball we live on.

2008-01-10T23:17:00.000-05:00

It's futile!! Stop protesting. Sorry to say, but the war isn't gonna end just because a bunch of objectors march around in a circle or sit around holding hands with megaphones. Sure it's a bad thing, but it's not going to end because we want it to. Please find a better way to spend your time. I know it's sad, the war is unjust and Ive got friends over there just as I'm sure some of you do, but what can we expect to do? Do you honestly think the politicians and businessmen who are running this war will listen to those of us who want it to end? nope! Sure let people know where you stand, that's great, but you won't be able to stop the wheel, so stop trying!!!!!!

2008-01-06T22:57:00.000-05:00

Good day good day. Two false wakings, then up in time for lunch. Church with Cooney, as well as coffee, ocean state joblot, and stud art ( beedazzling for badasses).
Remorse is my word for tonight, not for anything for today, but for the things that I've had to say farewell to in the past year, for the fact that this is not the first time that I've said farewell to this thing, this person, this human. Perhaps not remorse, perhaps sorrow. Sorrow for actions that repeat themselves. Sorrow for good intentions and weak movements. Sorrow for being confused about the same thing over and over again, even though the answer is clear as day! Sleep is good. So are freshly cleaned sweat pants, and a new white v-neck t-shirt, All for sleeping of course, sweatpants never leave the house!!! Never never! Put on the levis and go to work, thats in the morning!

2008-01-06T00:13:00.000-05:00

This is my fifth blog!

I can't remember usernames or passwords for the others.

My, I'm forgetful!
Am I getting old yet?
23 days and I'll be older yet!

2008-01-06T00:06:00.000-05:00

48 hours.... .... tic.... ..... toc....

Give me a damn smoke already!!! There are no visual benefits to report, 48 hours is not enough time to know. I'm Not There, was moving! Kate Blanchet for president! Holy lady man, music playing, Bob Dylan look alike!
Take a shower, Dim the lights, put on fresh jam jams, grab a book, hit the shuffle on the itunes, read a page or too, and then its:
zzzzzzzzzzzzz.......................................................................

2008-01-02T23:28:00.000-05:00

And now responsibility has caught up with me. Good bye bloody marys and gourmet breakfast. Time well spent, but now work is on the menu. Time pour some coffees and crank out some stories, strum a banjo and hum some tunes. Dorothy said it was good to have me back home, and it was good to see her. Tyler was being macho and didn't say much. Father figure has started painting again, I'm excited about what might come of his endeavors, stick with it! Laundry have been done, Dorothy thought laughed at my levi obsession, Dan is worse, Parker doesn't even count.
Too cold for the roof, and too creaky for the porch, I guess I'll nestle down and close my peepers.

2008-01-01T13:41:00.000-05:00

Failure! Lack of patience! therefore Juilians was a wash, blue elephant was the mediocre stand in. Sweet senorita! We've got hail, and it hurts the head and hands when it hits. Parker might have died in his sleep, minus the dying part of course. He looks like death, beefeater beefeater you terrible girl you, delicious and cruel! We leave tomorrow, but Dan stays, Parker and I go back to the places from whence we came, and another six months will pass before we three are carousing about town together! I'll be back soon though, it's time to ink up again, before I turn 25!
Ok the levis are on and so are my brown boots, time to see if the hail still hurts, and if I still have trouble walking! Let's go!

This blog is self indulgent!!!! What does that say about me?

2008-01-01T03:15:00.000-05:00

2008, we're here, the future is finally here, and I'm already looking for something new. black and white ball found the three of us dancing, ginning and pinning for only God knows what or who. Many unnecessary texts and phone calls were made, I don't even think my phone works anymore. Parker and I walked the half an hour back to angel street manor, Dan stayed on the floor of the ball. Talks of God and girls, and then surrender. Guidance is key but not really what any of us want, seeing as how we're, all three of us, stubborn male men. Humility is growing, but only threw the pain of loss, and we're adjusting as He shows us the way. Sleep will be welcome, and brunch is tomorrow, back to juilians, the mecca of hipsters, and delicious bloody marys! Who's got my levis on for tomorrow?

2007-12-31T17:11:00.000-05:00

Newyears eve, breakfast of champions, the unintentional authors gather at julians, Coffee, eggsbenedict with salmon, and bloody marys were the menu choice. Our waiter had a mustache, and wore my levis, maybe even better than me. Tonight we go in our white, and black, and black and white, too tight to pull up, but white jeans are novelty! New year new year!!!

2007-12-31T03:04:00.001-05:00

And then the women ran away with my hearts. All divied up into pieces shaped like me, in gingerbread form. "Too late" says the one, "I'm keeping it, your heart that is." She stole it. I never saw it again. She owns it forever and can call me anytime she wants to use it. Golden View with eggs over easy followed by a BJ in my truck. Is that why I invested my heart in her? I didn't think so, but that's the way it worked out. I love you Lord, and need Your grace in my life. Help to heal the emptiness in me.

P M

not by courtney................. by a friend

2007-12-31T02:23:00.000-05:00

So here it is, the eve of new years eve, and here we are we three , in a smoky providence apartment drinking gin, smoking cigarettes, and writing drunken poems. Dan says he's genius, Parker hardly speaks, and I don't know what I'd say if any thing at all. Welcome to the new year, we're done with the sopranos in 2007, don't stop, don't stop, those were the words that ended the obsession. Whats next, what new adventures, and shit storms await we three sitting here with our gin, cigarettes, and drunken penciled poems.

2007-12-30T19:01:00.000-05:00

I think it's time to quit. Not out of any morbid obligation to new years resolutions. I never make them, therefore I never keep them.

I cough with a sound like that of a lion

I wheez worse than an asthmatic playing football

I smell like your grandmothers over flowing ash tray

I'm not saying now, but probably before the celebration of the day that I was squeezed from betwixt my mothers loins!

2007-12-30T15:39:00.000-05:00

A TRUE LIFE CONVERSATION

" So where do we go from here?"
"I'm not sure."
" What do you mean you're not sure? That's only half of an answer."
" What I mean is, I don't know where here is, and since I don't know where here is, and if I'm here but don't know where this here is, then how am I to know where to go if I don't know where I am. If here is an unknown point, how can I be expected to know where to go from a point unknown.?"
" So what are you saying? Are you trying to tell me that we should just stay put and never leave this spot?"
" No That is not what I am saying."
" But you just said that you cannot be expected to know where to go from here."
" Yes, that is true, but that doesn't mean we should go somewhere from here. Perhaps if we pick a direction at random, and just go we will be able to look back in a little while and see where exactly here is. But, then again our present here will become a past there, and the future there will have become the present here. Since we are here and don't know where here is, how will we know where we are when we get there? When we finally get there will we look back and see that the present here is in fact no where? And what if we go in one big circle and think that we have gone to a new here, and from that here, which now is a there, we will look back and see our own backs standing here, which we thought was there, but really was here all along?"
" OH my God! what are you talking about? Who cares, do you wanna just throw caution to the wind and just go from here?"
" No, I think I'll stay here and wait awhile."
" Alright then, I guess I'll go alone. So do have any idea where I should go from here?"
" I'm not sure."

2007-12-28T20:04:00.000-05:00

Today's walk was nothing short of inspiration. The surrounding scenery of sadness, and volumes of desperation instilled some form of hope in my sometimes hopeless heart. Why leave? Why go back to my personal paradise, when there is a paradise to be made right here, not only for this individual with his fingers on the keyboard, but for all who cross paths with the individual who's fingers are on the keyboard, and even for those who don't? Why can't we change this place? There's no reason why we can't...

2007-12-20T00:22:00.000-05:00

How would tell a newborn baby about the world that it had been born into? Would you say something like, welcome to a world where truth is scarce, and deception is the norm. Welcome to a world where nothing is sacred, and all things, faith or otherwise, are flushed down the toilet of higher education. Welcome to a world populated by "haves" and "have nots". Sorry little one, you'll most likely be a have not. Welcome to a world where women flaunt and use their beauty for less than stellar gains. Welcome to a world where men are, well, they just aren't men anymore. Welcome to a world where meaning is defined through meaningless possessions and goods. Welcome to a world that you have a responsibility to change, one person at a time. Now then little one, aren't you glad you decided to pop out of the womb today?

2007-12-18T17:22:00.001-05:00

B7 Presents

A Rejoice-ed Christmas

Coming soon...

2007-12-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

I was waiting for this time of day. This time of day when the beginning stages of the sunset turn my bone white linen curtains to a glowing pearl shade of color. It's warm, it's comforting, it's love. I was waiting for this time of day, and now it has come. I am warm, feel comforted, and I feel loved. Thank you sun (Son).

It's all about the little things.

2007-12-01T01:02:00.000-05:00

At what point did I disappear? When did I lose myself in the layers of selfprotections and self interest. At what point did I disappear? I've been lighting matches against the wind, pointless actions that can't really produce anything of consequence, save flare and burn out, I'm losing things, I'm losing people. At what point did I disappear?

2007-11-19T14:32:00.000-05:00

There is silence here, no motion ticking sloppy sounds into my ears, no bleeding through of bleating horns and and tire squeals. Your hair is a mess, and it's ok cause there is no sound of the judging minds wondering why you look so and so. It's quiet here, and so you can rest, you can wear an apron and cook a meal, you can eat it in peace and in silence, that's all that's here.

2007-11-19T13:19:00.000-05:00

I thought that by coming to providence this weekend I'd be able to escape the doldrums of pouring cup after cup of boiling hot coffee, having to deal with self absorbed consumers who will jump for the most convenient option. I thought I'd be getting away for a while so that I could clear my head, so that I could think, so that I could spend some time with friends so that I could write a few stories, so that I could let my gray matter air out.
but you can't escape the things that make life what it is, the doldrums of pouring cup after cup of boiling hot coffee for the self absorbed consumers who jump at the chance for the most convenient option. The drama that always follows you, the expectations of others who don't even understand that expectations only hinder the growth process. This is life, this is what breathing in the air, filtering out the oxygen, and exhaling toxic fumes is all about. This is life.
So rather then try to escape it, I should embrace it, live in it, and find my peace of mind in the middle of it. A quiet afternoon with ryan, a pack of smokes, a glass of water, chopin on the record player, and a note book; suddenly the chaos quiets for a moment or two, it's never gone but its quieted for a few moments and sanity almost sneaks in. This is life

2007-10-18T22:47:00.000-04:00

Dear reader,
You and I, we dance this crooked dance, in morbid grace. A waltz for mercy, and a pirouette on the edge of love . Never quite committed, yet never quite refused, we dance towards towards the future life and away again. To be sure our steps in tandem choreography glide, to and from each other and back again. We twirl, sway, spin, and swerve. Little giving, always taking, we're drenched in perspiration from the effort of maintaining this facade of graceful existence.
Sincerely,
yours

Love follows footsteps to echoey graves, hanging high, swinging feet inches from the ground. Lively steps surround the dead, the escaping few, the joyous just from work to rest. But you hold me close, you hold me close, you hold me close. And now I'm closer to your hell burning heart than we though to ever be. And I say we, when you say I ought say me. but I am two, the angel saint, and the devil times two. These are the we, or for your comfort, these are me. You ring my bell, you ring my bell , you ring my bell, and it is resonating in the head that my birth mother gave me, the ego that my father grew in me. So what's the catch? The catch you caught, it's my swelling swollen head.

2007-09-12T17:47:00.000-04:00

We connect the dots, drawing God with our fingers, pictures and paintings of God in our likeness, slipping slowly into the role of limited deity, failed mothers and fathers. The windows leak sounds of the houses we built to hold in our secrets and internal lies. Those which were told to ourselves and only us, verbalized in synaps and neurons, thoughts and emotions. The off balance actions of the outwardly balanced mind , and oh the cheer of joyous occasion brought to light in civil deceit. I document the moment and forget the reason, release the idea in exchange for the ideal. I've lots of gaps in the memory, but really none at all, it's just words that I say to keep the wall of my house standing safe. But, I breathed in once, felt the breeze of freedom, the rush of the wind as it told me the secrets of truth. We are the wanders, the beggars, and liars, hoping for a future and fighting to protect safe our past.

2007-08-06T17:10:00.000-04:00

Alexander

Alexander is a friend of mine, but not by any choice of ours.
We the two on stools, elblows on the bar, hands cuddling with glasses.

Alexander roams as I roam, no where to go no where in mind.
We the two strangers to the places we have been time and time over

Alexander does not exist, well at least in the sense of someone I know
We the dreamers who think about each other but do not know the other is real.

2007-08-06T17:09:00.000-04:00

The road of lesser things is a softly padded road, one of comfort and ease, but one of discontent and unfulfilled joy.

Just when you think you've gotten into gear, life hits the brakes and sends you through the windshield. And when you're laying on ground amidst the shards of glass and twisted metal, you realize that you were traveling in the wrong direction anyways.

I am proud! A pride filled bastard even, not in so many open ways,
but it still leaks through the cracks of my humble shield.

There are many folks I meet who make me wish I was not squimish around blood.
for I would murder them .
perhaps it is a good thing that I am as such.

2007-08-06T17:07:00.000-04:00

Our hearts are little machines. Tiny magnificent machines. Contrary to what you might have read, what you might have heard, or even what you think you might have felt, these machines do not break. Operator failure is the only reason these machines might malfunction. but they never do break, well actually they do break, but that only happens when you are dead. Did you know that we will all die one day? Well regardless of what you may or may not have heard it's true, we will all die, and when we our little machines will then break and not a moment before then. Our hearts are little machines. Tiny magnificent machines. These machines do not break.